Okay I am a paranoid gal but I have always been like that. Because I care for people. And that makes me hard to accept separation. Even loosing most of my friends didn't feel this deeply aching.
It hurts as if I had lost a family member. Just that hard.
And I have lost my fare share of relatives to know the feeling.
And there I am watching those tv shows and get that feeling that one day I'll be all alone and dying in some godforsaken place without anyone missing me...
And only few times in my life I have felt that feeling of belonging. And then I have lost it all again.
Weird how little I mean to those who once claimed me their person, their best frien, love...
Almost like I could be disposable trash.
And I had been hurting basically since I remember myself. I have always been missing someone. And I dunno how to deal such stuff.
Maybe in all those tv shows I finally saw what I had been missing so badly and therefore got so attached and obsessed.
Because somehow there was always someone there in their lives and this someone became special and all the jazz.
I am in a rather sad place. I miss the guy very badly, but at the same time I cannot bring myself to face him.
And day by day, with all kinds of distractions, I feel stronger and more confident. It happens slow but it does. And that way I learn to be all by myself. No one is going to like me, of that I was made sure long ago. If the only person willing to be with me and telling me he loved me lost it all over time then I don't feel guarant there will ever be someone else getting further. I highly doubt I will ever be capable of accepting another human in my life. Not that way, unlikely.
So there are my colleagues. I like them. For most of the time only the trio I share my shifts with. The rest (3) are just insane bunch of bitches who once were friendly but now became irking crazy stuf and I no longer want to see any of them. Although mostly the one is that bad. The other two can be handled.
And this month I dyed my hair blue-ish. Like one of my fav coworkers. She had colors in her hair. And tats and piercings. I think I have a girlcrush on her. And we share opinions and stuff.
And now that I was free I decided to return to what I was before -colorful haired. So I finally, after years of looking and trying, found the right color for me. And if I get accused of copying I will say the truth- back when I first did crazy haircolor there simply wasn't such colors, just now they appeared and just as I saw them and with a nice sale I got them (3 tones). So yeah, no copying, just jumping on a passing train.
Anyway, I am still not over my cousin. Not over much anything else.
And I will scold my oldest friend currently in the city for dating random men and having 2 bf's at the same time. I did it once, I'll do more.
Back to my seldom problem.. that bitch is still in a city. She just met that guy, less than a year and they were already living together. Then she had that minor fallout with her family and she asked me to be signature for getting a loan at bank.
I firstly said I'll think about it and asked my man for advice partially trusting my bestie and her judgement in such serious thing. But my man since first moment didn't like her and he always wanted me to drop my friends and be friends only with people he approves, which meant only few of his only friends and family.
And there I had to listen a lecture about that and a bit of fight. I had my own share of making it an issue but oh well...
And then she kept on insisting on me being part of her plan. I tried to dig in deeper but she is Pisces and some stubbon shit by Chinese horoskope so no shit Sherlock I couldn't squeeze a fuck outta her so I really dunno for what you would be needing a fucking 4000€ loan. You can only gather around 1000-2000€ by separate small loans you did so why the fuck this much!!!!!
I knew there has to be something not good going on when she was like tha. Because we used to share lot more personal stuff once. And we swore to be the besties forever. Because in our nearly ten years of being friends we never had a single fight or disagreement.
And today I begun to analyze that. Maybe I was an easy person without my own attitude and agreed to stuff to easily. But she was accepting and all. I have never been having a particularly strong personality nor held an opinion to stand for. So I basically was easily persuable (pardon if I get the wrong term).
And there my most convincing friendship at that point got shattered. By her words through tears she no longer wants any contact with me. And well there was an anger in her voice and pain. She deleted me from her social network friends list and so far we only still follow each other on Instagram. But I can trust not for long.
And there and now I keep reminder of her by seeing her on the streets or internet.
So far she has gotten what she wanted: a man, a dog, maybe car, possibly job and obviously lives in her old apartament with him. I haven't been able to decipher whether her grandparents still live in that flat but she sometimes visits her parents in their rurual place.
Anyway she still has one friend who visits her and occasionally posts a pic of her dog.
I really dunno how but well, obviously if you try hard enough you can get whatever you want.
I just wish I had such luck with my own life. I also wanted my relationship to last forever because the person I was fallen in love was the right for me. I just wanted something seemed so beautiful last. Because in my life beautiful things never last. Lest a lifetime.
So here I am trying to analyze everything but still struggle to get anything clear on anything. I feel as if I had missed my life entirely and completely and all I have left is a time to catch up on it until it ends.
I feel like living a borrowed life everytime something good happens. And obviously I did twice...
And what next?