The Very Imagination and Absolute Fantasy World of Insane

Random life talk.

2017-03-16T21:26:12Z

So I have been separated for a couple of months. I'm kinda used to my old life now. However I miss people. For now it's just me and my mom. I try not to dwell on what I have lost but still it never stops freaking me out in most inapropriate moments that He may have had seen abother girl by now. He did started seeing me rather soon after his first breakup and now I keep having the same old heart-gripping feeling of dread. Because I still have stuff to get and all. And I heard he was not visiting his mom so he is at his flat. Or not?
Okay I am a paranoid gal but I have always been like that. Because I care for people. And that makes me hard to accept separation. Even loosing most of my friends didn't feel this deeply aching.
It hurts as if I had lost a family member. Just that hard.
And I have lost my fare share of relatives to know the feeling.

And there I am watching those tv shows and get that feeling that one day I'll be all alone and dying in some godforsaken place without anyone missing me...

And only few times in my life I have felt that feeling of belonging. And then I have lost it all again.
Weird how little I mean to those who once claimed me their person, their best frien, love...
Almost like I could be disposable trash.

And I had been hurting basically since I remember myself. I have always been missing someone. And I dunno how to deal such stuff.

Maybe in all those tv shows I finally saw what I had been missing so badly and therefore got so attached and obsessed.
Because somehow there was always someone there in their lives and this someone became special and all the jazz.

I am in a rather sad place. I miss the guy very badly, but at the same time I cannot bring myself to face him.
And day by day, with all kinds of distractions, I feel stronger and more confident. It happens slow but it does. And that way I learn to be all by myself. No one is going to like me, of that I was made sure long ago. If the only person willing to be with me and telling me he loved me lost it all over time then I don't feel guarant there will ever be someone else getting further. I highly doubt I will ever be capable of accepting another human in my life. Not that way, unlikely.

So there are my colleagues. I like them. For most of the time only the trio I share my shifts with. The rest (3) are just insane bunch of bitches who once were friendly but now became irking crazy stuf and I no longer want to see any of them. Although mostly the one is that bad. The other two can be handled.

And this month I dyed my hair blue-ish. Like one of my fav coworkers. She had colors in her hair. And tats and piercings. I think I have a girlcrush on her. And we share opinions and stuff.
And now that I was free I decided to return to what I was before -colorful haired. So I finally, after years of looking and trying, found the right color for me. And if I get accused of copying I will say the truth- back when I first did crazy haircolor there simply wasn't such colors, just now they appeared and just as I saw them and with a nice sale I got them (3 tones). So yeah, no copying, just jumping on a passing train.

Anyway, I am still not over my cousin. Not over much anything else.
And I will scold my oldest friend currently in the city for dating random men and having 2 bf's at the same time. I did it once, I'll do more.

Back to my seldom problem.. that bitch is still in a city. She just met that guy, less than a year and they were already living together. Then she had that minor fallout with her family and she asked me to be signature for getting a loan at bank.
I firstly said I'll think about it and asked my man for advice partially trusting my bestie and her judgement in such serious thing. But my man since first moment didn't like her and he always wanted me to drop my friends and be friends only with people he approves, which meant only few of his only friends and family.
And there I had to listen a lecture about that and a bit of fight. I had my own share of making it an issue but oh well...
And then she kept on insisting on me being part of her plan. I tried to dig in deeper but she is Pisces and some stubbon shit by Chinese horoskope so no shit Sherlock I couldn't squeeze a fuck outta her so I really dunno for what you would be needing a fucking 4000€ loan. You can only gather around 1000-2000€ by separate small loans you did so why the fuck this much!!!!!

Argh!
I knew there has to be something not good going on when she was like tha. Because we used to share lot more personal stuff once. And we swore to be the besties forever. Because in our nearly ten years of being friends we never had a single fight or disagreement.
And today I begun to analyze that. Maybe I was an easy person without my own attitude and agreed to stuff to easily. But she was accepting and all. I have never been having a particularly strong personality nor held an opinion to stand for. So I basically was easily persuable (pardon if I get the wrong term).
And there my most convincing friendship at that point got shattered. By her words through tears she no longer wants any contact with me. And well there was an anger in her voice and pain. She deleted me from her social network friends list and so far we only still follow each other on Instagram. But I can trust not for long.

And there and now I keep reminder of her by seeing her on the streets or internet.
So far she has gotten what she wanted: a man, a dog, maybe car, possibly job and obviously lives in her old apartament with him. I haven't been able to decipher whether her grandparents still live in that flat but she sometimes visits her parents in their rurual place.
Anyway she still has one friend who visits her and occasionally posts a pic of her dog.

I really dunno how but well, obviously if you try hard enough you can get whatever you want.

I just wish I had such luck with my own life. I also wanted my relationship to last forever because the person I was fallen in love was the right for me. I just wanted something seemed so beautiful last. Because in my life beautiful things never last. Lest a lifetime.

So here I am trying to analyze everything but still struggle to get anything clear on anything. I feel as if I had missed my life entirely and completely and all I have left is a time to catch up on it until it ends.
I feel like living a borrowed life everytime something good happens. And obviously I did twice...

And what next?

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Rant....

2017-01-04T23:16:39Z

So my cousin who is 3 years younger and married 10 years older man is expecting.... Actually she's about to pop in a week or so. And I found out only today..

I am mad because they lied about not planning family yet. And that her hubby is asshole. And I felt strange about meeting them now. That is couple summers ago at my other cousin's wedding. Actually I feel uncomfortable at those events because I havent yet grown up. And my bf made it clear that indeed I am a foolish person who is not thinking about stuff. But now I do feel like it wasn't lies. Because I am not mentally ready for adult life. Although I should be. I am old enough to be smart and ready. But I am not. I am stuck in past. Like I don't plan to grow up...

However I dunno why I got this mad about them planning more family. They already have lots animals. And I know my cousin loves children and gets along with them like a Mary Poppins.
Maybe I am jealous that they can get a life but I am worse than a soap opera.
Yes that is problem with me and I haven't yet found a way to fix it. I simply cannot exist in this life the way I am now but so far I struggle to change. Meanwhile most of people I know has married and with children.
Once again I feel like an outcast of this life.

Not that I would want kids. No, I simply have not that gene in me.
I am unable to bond with a kid nor entertain them or feel comfortable with them.

So I must be jealous that others can successfully craft a lating connection and actually kep a frienship alive. And because they have better connection...

I am too introvert to make it happen so I better not hope for anything good out of this life.
Not that I am enjoying this way...

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New Year's summary of the past couple years since my last time here

2017-01-04T22:52:52Z

So I haven't been on for almost a solid 2 years...

A lot has happened since I joined RL nation and begun a new life.

I've stopped active fanfiction writing and have left only reading them when I have mood and time.

What once felt like a true friendship and blossoming love has now become a game of patience pulling. Dunno if it ever will recover/reborn the way it was at first. I assume there will only be memories of a time and adventures to behold...

I have changed few coworkers and a bit has changed since I started the job two and half years ago.

I have also lost many RPG places and people to big fat RL that keeps taking away people from creative expression. Meself including.

Mom has quit her job for a glance of new one just to have my boss being a bitch and pulling the thing apart. So she's unemployed for until miracle happens.

My happy phone needs a replacement in some time since it's been used almost pushing its limits of endurance.

And we lost a few phones to common issue- battery getting like puff/fattening up.

I started to have girl crush for my newest colleague because she is so alternative looking and fierce and looks so cute. But I am not good at Russian language so I try to learn from her.

I have found I want white ink tattoo of something small and meaningful to me. I want long hair and gel nails completed with nice clothes... I still daydream of impossible things...

I had an amazing trip to Estonia, Tartu with my bf's fam. I loved the country already. And Kerli comes from Estonia that is much more sophisticated than Latvia.

I went to a wedding of my cousin. It was fun event but I felt outcast in that crowd. I think I am outdated...

I met my long lost bestie from first school. She has gotten herself upated her own style and now belongs to other nation.

Had a fall out with my second bestie. But that was biggest idiotism from her side of things.. Because seriously how can you guarantee you will make the loan possible and nothing unexpected won't happen? Ya know, like, shit happens, right?

I had a trip to Stockholm, Sweden as well. Just via cruise ship. With bf and his buddy and his gf. It was good but with couple fallouts anyway.

I had travelled a bit of my own land thanks to my bf and his fam. Also had a chance to drive a car. My bf is useless teacher but I enjoyed anyway.

I was a witness of how fast a kid grows into a little piece of community.

I won a phone in a lottery which never happens to me. Nevertheless I needed a new phone badly. I guess my bf brought me luck because he was still happy with being in love with me.

I had to get new glasses because my old ones got too used.

I was being made to see my first evey gyno. I expected worse than it was and I was relieved it all went better than I feared.

I lost another relative to old age and illness.

I spent new year's eve not home.

We had to change our gas stove and my bf helped out.

Our house got involved into fire at basement. Mom freaked out but I was not with her. Thankfully it all went well but it still left an uneasy feeling about how unsave is the world we are living in...

So that's about it. Short summary of what this time has been. Something was left out by accident but oh well....

Anyway, a new year has started and I wish everyone to nail it, best it, live it, enjoy it, embrace it!
Happy New 2017 Year!!!

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FIC: White Collar: You Can Be Lucky

2013-11-24T10:31:33Z

[B]Title:[/b] You Can Be Lucky
[B]Fandom:[/b] White Collar
[B]Characters:[/b] Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke
[B]Rating:[/b] PG-13
[B]Summary:[/b] He just wanted to follow
suspects. But who knew the world will
collapse...
[B]Author Notes:[/b] In the wake of tragedy
that happened November 21. I woke up
yesterday morning in tears and just had to get
this off my chest.
There may come more from where this came...
because tragedy shook the whole nation...
RIP 54 people, and 13 still missing (current
info on media) may the God be with us all and
those involved the most....
★★★
It was all darkness. And lots of pain and
something he couldn't tell, yet.
All he knew was that something very wrong
happened. But what else he knew was that it
wasn't the shopping center he was in before.
No, this was something else.. Much more
horrid.. Something he never in his con-man's
life ever expected to ever be a part of his life.
Pretty much like jail, this was nowhere near his
desired fate.
But Neal did not have time, nor energy for
starting thinking over his life. Well, it could be
one of many things, but right now be had
something heavy pushing him against a hard,
cooling surface, a weak nagging at his gut told
it might be floor. Whatever it was it wasn't
comfortable. His back was already feeling like
crushed between something but most likely it
was only the heavy something on top of him
causing all this uncomfortablesness.
His head only started to feel what might later
be described as the migraine of the century.
But Neal Caffrey knew he was majorly screwed
and that there definitely was something more
important than his growing headache.
Something like people calling for help and kids
screaming for their parents.
And that was the needed click for Neal to
recall the latest minutes before the world
around collapsed onto everyone inside the
rotten place.
It had been his own idea. Nobody made him
do it. But Neal being Neal felt this as his job to
dig until dug out. That was most likely
ingrained in his brain to do whatever to help
Peter close his cases and not care for whatnot
glitches that might happen on the way.
Well, that or prison, was Neal's mantra half the
time he inwardly fought the voices of reason
trying in vain to get his brain drop the plan
and turn around before too late.
Not in this instance. He'd followed some of the
art thieves into the oversruffed store just to
see what they had in mind, because Peter
would crack the case much faster if Neal found
something to use. So, ignoring his inner Mozz,
telling and kicking and screaming to finally
start thinking with his own brain, Neal walked
inside after the trio disappeared into the
crowd.
He noticed them going through shelves of stuff
Neal didn't even see, so focused on the task at
hand. Would Peter ever believe him if he
claimed to have the skill of being calm and
concentrated on something for more than a
second or two? Oh right, given his alleged
forgeries it might be possible. But definitely
not whenever at office in front of the cold
cases.
What the ex-con never suspected, while
roaming through the store and watching what
the baddies were doing, was that all of a
sudden terrible noise, almost explosion-like,
would be followed by everything being plunged
into darkness as the whatever rubble and other
whatnots rained down onto all the people
inside.
The FBI consultant never ever had imagined
himself being in this kind of situation because
it was such an absurd thought. And come on,
he was a con, he lived the high life, he was
always sleek and elusive. Why and how on
earth someone like him could end up in a
situation like this?
He had probably passed out because suddenly
it was this excrutiating pain stabbing through
his left ankle.... Anklet! Right. His so much
"beloved" anklet that he somehow had fallen to
rely on. The thing he hated but loved at the
same time. His only connection with the
outside world now.
He tried to see if there was any damage but, of
course, it was dark. And he was pinned down
to ground by something or other. Neal grit his
teeth and tried to wiggle. Only resulting in all
kinds of pain spiking throughout his rather
battered body.
But he could feel his arms moving about. Not
like he could really feel his body being touched
by them.
That was downright confusing. And helluva
scary. But for the moment he couldn't feel
fear. It was more the feeling unfair or anger
than actual fear.
Shock obviously, Neal decided finally and
stopped wiggling.
He needed to call Peter. And at that second,
before any other thought appeared, he wished
the store had the end of his radius somewhere
around the spot he was lying about. But he so
doubted his luck today.
Right at that he encountered another issue. His
cell phone. It was somewhere. But for the love
of life Neal could not think where it might be.
He was flailing with his arms, trying to ignore
the other people pleas and endless screams.
But his brain suddenly seemed stuck. No
thought made sense anymore and he felt like
floating.
He'd passed out again. Obviously.
At least the nap had made his brain connect
again. His hand already onto task, as if it had
its own mind, and, yes, the phone was just
right there, in his pants pocket. Not jacket, but
pants pocket. His subconscious obviously
shared Peter's gut feelings.
It took a while of fiddling around with the
thing, fingers clumsy and slipping about the
screen from the blood on them, before Neal
could actually bring it up to his eyes. And
there was another problem finally presenting
itself. He couldn't see... All was blurry and the
small, but bright, light of the phone's screen
sent stabbing pain to his brain, increasing the
building pain in his skull.
Miraculously enough the thing had enough
reception so calling wasn't-shouldn't- be a
problem. Only his own eyes.
He could not tell how much time passed from
the moment he ditched the calling to the
moment his phone vibrated happily. At first he
felt too sluggish to even understand what it
was, but then slowly he connected again.
"Hello?" His voice was barely a weak whisper,
so fragile and creaking.
"Neal?" Came Peter's voice, flooding Neal with
joy and relief.
"Peter, I didn't run, I swear." He said, his
mind suddenly thinking Peter had called
because of his anklet beeping because there
had been the invisible line of his radius.
"Neal? Are you alright? What's going on?" The
agent asked, worry clear in his voice. And Neal
felt his eyebrows scrunching together in
confusion.
"Um... I dunno, Ptr..." his tongue stumbled
over, already loosing stability. It was too dark
to tell whether or not Neal's vision was clear,
or if he was dizzy or not. He just felt like his
brain had been replaced with cotton balls. Or
that sugar puff children loved to eat so much.
"Neal?" Peter's voice called the young man
back to reality. "Are you alright, buddy?" He
was asking again. Neal wanted to throw a
pillow at him, but unfortunately he lacked one
and Peter seemed too far away.
"I'm sorry..." was the universal response of
Neal's. "I-I didn't mean, but then they went
inside and I thought of following them
inside..." the strangely sounding younger man
on the other side of the line suddenly broke
into violent coughing fit. It) instantly made
Peter worried. He launched the anklet's
monitoring program on his computer.
There the older man got confused. It showed
weirdly trembling signal of his CI's anklet, but
it still said he was well within his radius.
Actually.... he was inside some middle class
shopping mall. He'd seen the place himself
when passing by on occasion. Rather simple
building- single floor, one exit, concrete, metal
and glass. Probably cheap building. Absolutely
nothing that would make Neal want to use it.
"Neal? You there?" He spoke into his phone,
upon hearing the end of the coughing.
"P'tr..." was all he could hear, a weak whisper
full of asking for help, before only background
noise came through.
The background noise....
Now he could hear people screaming and
calling for help, some other sounds and
something like creaking and other
nonidentifiable noises.
In one fluid motion the agent grabbed remote
and turned on tv. It was already on a news
channel and in instant he was greeted by
horrible sight. That shopping place was barely
recognizable. All kinds of debris and whatnot
scattered around the ground at the entrance.
Loads or rescue workers climbing up and down
the piles of rubble, police securing the scene
and holding back the people who tried to
reach closer. Many medics already working on
injured and waiting for more being taken out
to them. He could see all kinds of equipment
being used for getting all the stuff away from
entrance, walls that weren't yet crumbled.
For the moment the world of Peter Burke
stopped spinning. According to the data Neal
was right in the middle of all that. And he
wasn't responding anymore..
What happened next Peter might not
remember. That was when his life blurred out
on him.
Only at the site, with his phone stuck to ear he
could see the world again.
And this was so much more than it seemed on
tv. This was far more crushing sight. Far more
heart-clenching.
For a moment he was just standing there and
watched at the horrendous sight. Many people
were taken out of collapsed store building and
medics were rushing to take them further.
Some kid cried out at one of the victim,
possibly a mother. And this alone made his
heart stop beating for a second.
Just when he could suddenly hear a sharp
intake of air and a cough from the phone still
pushed to his ear.
"Neal..." he choked out. And he got no other
response from his CI, from his friend. And it
was enough to set a very bad feeling in his gut.
It was untellable amount of time later when
Neal was connected to the world again. And as
much as it brought relief it just as much called
in an unintelligible amount of pain coursing
through his body. In midst of it he thought
there were hands. Maybe not.
But something was happening. And it was
slowly seeping through the layers of his
consciousness.
But before anything snapped in place there was
one really bright light piercing through his
eyes straight into brain, sending stabbing pain
deep into his being.
And suddenly some wavering noises reached
through and Neal heard voices. Thought he
heard at least. Through the haze of the agony
he had trouble to decide what could be real
and what not.
However, there was one touch.
The only touch in the whole world he
recognized and from that moment on felt safe
until the very end...
Neal had been lucky. As lucky he could be. And
Peter had trouble to stomp down his relief of
the sight: his CI being carried out by the hands
of rescue workers.
He was worried about the younger man's state,
but also very happy to see the guy alive,
breathing and weakly batting his hand at
something.
Peter rushed over to the medics Neal was
being taken to and with only just a little flash
of his badge was allowed to get attached to
Neal's hand for the rest of the way to hospital.
He kept whispering all the assuring words he
knew, and heard from El, to try to make Neal
feel better. Safer.
It all returned some really unknown time later.
He couldn't tell of course.
But waking up with Peter attached to the other
end of his right hand was actually a sight he
felt happy about. And also pretty surprised.
Before a thought settled in.
He didn't move. Just watched the older man.
His friend. His family.
And the thought alone made him feel happy
and safe. And only after a while he realized
there were tears streaming down his face, and
he was grinning from ear to ear.
He was okay. He was safe.
Peter was there...
★★★

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••• Safe Heaven •••

2013-06-27T12:35:56Z

~~~You thought it all was just a dream,
Until the thunder woke you up.
Nothing will be same again because I am here
to save you...~~~

He had never imagined it happening. No, it
had never crossed his mind that it could
happen this way.
And that made him even more helpless.
But it shouldn't even be his worry... now....
"Neal, please wake up." Peter's voice broke
through the haze Neal's brain had generated.
Yeah, like he really needed it. "Open your eyes,
Neal." Peter kept pleading and now it made
Neal feel like he really should obey.
But, when he tried, nothing happened. He felt
like his eyelids suddenly weighed ton.
What's happened?
Suddenly he could feel hands on his chest. And
then came pain...
"It's okay, buddy. You'll be alright." Peter's
voice penetrated his painful daze. And weird
enough, it somehow helped.
"P'tr!" Neal gasped out, surprised at how weak
his own voice sounded. He even felt his own
hand moving.
"Yeah, I'm right here. Just hang on." Peter
reassured his friend, and Neal made a weak
attempt at smiling back because suddenly he
felt too exhausted to try speaking.
And he felt Peter's hand gripping his own in a
strong hold.
He didn't plan on getting shot. No, it never
even crossed his mind.
But someone else did it, not planning either.
But Neal felt safe. Peter was there and nothing
else mattered.
Because he was safe now.

~~~You held me tight,
You came with smile,
And nowhere in the world
I felt like here with you,
My safe heaven...~~~

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flops

2013-06-13T22:22:11Z

Oh well, here I am.

Couldn't resist being here as well as I am on LJ *youknowmeifnotyou'llfastfindout*

LOL xD

so I'm gonna welcome myself in joining DW *cheers*

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