Jan. 5th, 2017 12:53 am
rainbowribbonvisions: Neal at the knockdown in the 4x09 boxing match (4x09)
So my cousin who is 3 years younger and married 10 years older man is expecting.... Actually she's about to pop in a week or so. And I found out only today..

I am mad because they lied about not planning family yet. And that her hubby is asshole. And I felt strange about meeting them now. That is couple summers ago at my other cousin's wedding. Actually I feel uncomfortable at those events because I havent yet grown up. And my bf made it clear that indeed I am a foolish person who is not thinking about stuff. But now I do feel like it wasn't lies. Because I am not mentally ready for adult life. Although I should be. I am old enough to be smart and ready. But I am not. I am stuck in past. Like I don't plan to grow up...

However I dunno why I got this mad about them planning more family. They already have lots animals. And I know my cousin loves children and gets along with them like a Mary Poppins.
Maybe I am jealous that they can get a life but I am worse than a soap opera.
Yes that is problem with me and I haven't yet found a way to fix it. I simply cannot exist in this life the way I am now but so far I struggle to change. Meanwhile most of people I know has married and with children.
Once again I feel like an outcast of this life.

Not that I would want kids. No, I simply have not that gene in me.
I am unable to bond with a kid nor entertain them or feel comfortable with them.

So I must be jealous that others can successfully craft a lating connection and actually kep a frienship alive. And because they have better connection...

I am too introvert to make it happen so I better not hope for anything good out of this life.
Not that I am enjoying this way...
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